Why do toddlers
throw tantrums?

The full narration of the video.

No candy, so why is your kid lying on the floor? Right at the supermarket door, he's crying and kicking, and everyone walking by is looking at you. An older relative says: this child has been spoiled.

But between ages one and three, almost every child throws tantrums like this. Spoiling isn't the root of it. The root is a machine inside his head. This machine has a gas pedal and a brake.

The gas pedal runs feelings. When he doesn't get what he wants, it slams to the floor, and anger shoots up. That gas pedal comes fully installed at birth. The brake is for "wait a second." It holds the anger back and finds another way to ask.

But the brake gets installed very, very slowly. It sits at the very front of the brain, behind the forehead, and it's called the prefrontal cortex. It grows bit by bit, all the way into your twenties.

At two, the gas pedal works perfectly, and the brake is barely started. So the smallest thing sends the car flying. One more thing holds him back: he doesn't have the words.

He's upset inside, but he can't say "I'm tired" or "I'm so disappointed." Toddlers who know fewer words tend to have more big tantrums. And when he's hungry or sleepy, the brake works even worse.

So once a tantrum starts, what's actually going on inside? Researchers took children's tantrums apart, moment by moment. They found that one tantrum is really two waves.

The first wave is anger: screaming and kicking that peak right at the start, then slowly fade. The second wave is sadness: crying and wanting a hug, rare at first, then growing toward the end. Most tantrums are over within five minutes.

Know these two waves, and you know what to do when. At the peak of anger, reasoning won't get through. The brake isn't connected yet. Stay calm, keep him from getting hurt, and say very little.

When the crying softens and he leans into you, the sad wave has arrived. Now hold him and put it into words for him: you really wanted that candy, and you're so disappointed. Every time you do this, you tighten one more bolt on his brake.

If tantrums happen many times a day, or he often hurts himself, have a doctor take a look. So when your kid rolls on the floor, it's not bad parenting. His brake is still being built. What's the silliest thing that ever set your kid off?