Too many caregivers,
a naughtier kid?
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The full narration of the video.
Grandparents often say: the more people raising a child, the less the child listens. That's only a small part of the truth. Here's something odd: the same kid eats nicely in front of Mom. In front of Grandma, he's on the floor crying.
As if he's already figured out every adult in the house. Did too many people confuse him? Actually, humans have always raised babies as a group.
Researchers who followed a foraging people in an African rainforest found: about half of a baby's holding and play came from people other than Mom. Dad, Grandma, big brothers and sisters, neighbors, taking turns. And by age one, those babies were still closest to Mom.
Many hands aren't the problem. The problem is somewhere else. Picture yourself in front of three claw machines. The first one never pays out. Two tries, and you walk away.
The second one pays out every time. If it breaks one day, you try twice and give up. The third one pays out now and then. That one, you'll keep feeding coin after coin. To a toddler, crying is the coin. Every adult at home is a machine.
When Mom says no, it stays no. That machine never pays. Grandma's heart melts, and after enough crying, out comes a candy. That's machine number three. The kid isn't bad, and he isn't scheming. He simply learned: crying at Grandma sometimes works.
Here the comparison breaks down: the machine is rigged on purpose. Grandma gives in out of love, not by design. Psychologists have run this experiment many times: a reward that comes only sometimes is the hardest habit to break. A survey of over 1,400 children in China found: homes where grandparents and parents were both warm and on the same page. Those kids had the fewest problems.
But it's a survey: it shows the two go together, not which one causes which. So what do you do at home? Everyone doesn't have to be identical. Pick the three things you fight over most: candy, cartoons, bedtime. Agree on one sentence as a family.
Whoever's in charge sticks to it. If it's no, don't flip after a few tears. For the first few days, the crying usually gets worse. A claw machine that suddenly stops paying. You slam in a few more coins before you quit. Grown-ups are no different: pulling to refresh again and again is waiting for that 'now and then.'
Finish the sentence: the claw machine I can't walk away from is…?
Same kid,
different adult, different kid
Grandparents often say: the more people raising a child, the less the child listens. And you've probably seen it — eating nicely in front of Mom, then crying on the floor in front of Grandma. As if he's already figured out every adult in the house.
That's only a small part of the truth. Many hands aren't the problem — it's somewhere else.
Humans have always
raised babies as a group
Researchers who followed a foraging people in an African rainforest found that about half of a baby's holding and play came from people other than Mom — Dad, Grandma, big brothers and sisters, neighbors, taking turns. By age one, those babies were still closest to Mom.
Do lots of caregivers confuse a baby? An earlier episode covered that.
Three
claw machines
The first never pays out: two tries and you walk away. The second pays out every time; if it breaks one day, you try twice and give up. The third pays out now and then — that one, you'll keep feeding coin after coin.
A reward that comes only sometimes
is the hardest habit to break.
Psychologists have run this experiment many times, with the same result.
Crying is the coin,
adults are the machines
The kid isn't bad, and he isn't scheming. He simply learned: crying at Grandma sometimes works.
Here the comparison breaks down: the machine is rigged on purpose; Grandma gives in out of love, not by design.
What the studies found
A survey of over 1,400 children in China found that in about six in ten homes, grandparents and parents were both warm and on the same page — and those kids had the fewest problems.
A review pooling 93 studies and over 40,000 people saw the same thing: the better the adults work together, the fewer problems the children have.
These are surveys. They show the two things go together, not which one causes which.
Agree on
three sentences
Everyone doesn't have to be identical. Pick the three things you fight over most, agree on one sentence for each as a family, and whoever is in charge sticks to it. If it's no, don't flip after a few tears.
For the first few days, the crying usually gets worse: like a claw machine that suddenly stops paying, you slam in a few more coins before you quit.
pulling to refresh again and again
is waiting for that "now and then."
Quick check
Why does the kid cry hardest in front of Grandma?
Like the claw machine that pays out now and then, a sometimes-reward is the hardest to quit. Mixed answers, not many hands, are the problem.
