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Once kids hit their teens, does home really have to feel like a comet strike? Plenty of people think so. Over a hundred years ago, a psychologist called these years storm and stress. But when later research checked: in most homes, nothing blows up.
What's common is bickering over small stuff. Real all-out war happens in only a few homes. And those homes were often struggling long before the teen years. So where does all the bickering come from? Start with the brain.
The part that craves fun and thrills is already running hot in the teens. The part that says wait, think it through, sits behind the forehead. It's one of the last to finish, not until the mid-twenties. Like a car: the gas pedal is installed, the brakes are still on the way.
Next, friends. Scientists had people play a driving game: run the yellow light and you save time, or you crash. Playing alone, teens drove about the same as adults. But once they knew friends were watching from next door, only the teens took more risks.
With friends watching, the thrill just seems worth more. Then, the body. In puberty, the body clock shifts later. By as much as about two hours. Not sleepy at night, can't get up in the morning. And short on sleep, anyone gets snappier.
Last, and most important: they want to run their own life. The steering wheel used to be all yours. Now they want a turn. What's theirs to decide, and what's yours? Most bickering is really about where that line goes.
So rebellion isn't aimed at you. They're learning to be an adult. Gas pedal ready, brakes not here yet, and already reaching for the wheel. One surprise. Psychologist Laurence Steinberg, who studies teens, says: these years are often harder on the parents than on the kids. Because a kid's teen years tend to land right on the parents' own midlife.
So in your home, was it the bickering kind, or the comet kind? Tell me in the comments.
Say "the rebellious years," and many people picture this: the kids turn thirteen and the house gets hit by a comet. Chaos, every single day.
The idea is old. Back in 1904, American psychologist G. Stanley Hall called adolescence a time of "storm and stress."
Later psychologists went family by family, asking and watching. What they found doesn't look like a comet: squabbling over small stuff is very common, but all-out war and daily meltdowns happen in only a small share of homes.
And those few homes
were often struggling
long before the teen years.
"Storm and stress" is now seen as overstated: conflict is more likely in these years than at other ages, but it varies by kid, by family and by culture.
The part of the brain that chases "want it, fun, exciting" is already running hot in the early teens.
The part that says "hold on, what happens next?" sits behind the forehead. It's one of the last parts to mature, and the whole brain isn't finished until the mid-to-late twenties.
The gas pedal works.
The brakes aren't in yet.
Scientists had teens and adults play a driving game. At a yellow light, running it saves time, or ends in a crash.
Brain scans showed that with friends watching, the teens' reward areas lit up more. The thrill simply felt worth more.
In puberty, the body's sleep clock shifts later, by up to about two hours. The hormone that makes us sleepy (melatonin) shows up later at night and leaves later in the morning.
Sleeping in isn't just laziness.
And short on sleep, anyone gets snappier.
When kids are small, parents hold the wheel. In the teens, kids start wanting to steer: which things are theirs to decide, and which are still the parents'?
Most bickering is really
about where that line goes.
A psychologist who interviewed more than 700 families sees it this way: arguing back and keeping little secrets are signs of a kid growing the ability to run their own life.
They're learning to be an adult:
gas pedal ready, brakes not here yet,
and already reaching for the wheel.
So it doesn't have to be a comet strike. In most homes it's a noisy stretch of road where the wheel slowly changes hands. If fights truly spiral out of control or turn physical, don't tough it out: get help from a professional.
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